Letter to Self

Ultimately, I feel like this was something the man upstairs gifted to me, so that I can spread hope to you all as well.

Frustrated and disappointed, I sit looking at the screen. The word is relatively small but the impact on my spirit is huge. Rejected. My first official “comeback” article –written for this low paying, bottom of the barrel content mill –has been denied by the editor. What started out at the beginning of the year as a renewed sense of hope and excitement that my writing career would take off, has quickly withered into a heap of self-pity and doubt. And that wasn’t all. The newspaper editor that I’d offered my services to, last week, never replied. And I’m constantly thinking about the low wages I’d written for before, and combined , all these things are very discouraging.

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I want to give up again. Maybe get a second job, something “normal”like… working evenings in a grocery store–Come to think of it, Meijer, had been calling me to schedule an interview. But a large part of me won’t let me quit writing, for I can’t keep letting go of my dreams because they seem too hard. So it’s 1 a.m., by now. Terrance is asleep, and I’m at the dining room table shifting through tons of old journals and other writing: looking for clips to put in my portfolio.  Then I stumble upon it; the perfect word that God could have sent me in my moment of discouragement. It is a letter I wrote at the very beginning of last year (2016), siting in the same spot at my dining room table on January 1st. As I read the letter my spirit was renewed. And ultimately, I feel like this was something the man upstairs gifted to me, so that I can spread hope to you all as well. The words of my letter apply to anyone who needs a little bit of a boost in their spirit. Here is what it says:

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Dear Cheryl,

You are an awesome human being. You are very intelligent and you have a lot going for yourself. If you are going to make progress towards your goals and dreams, then there are a few things that you are going to have to do this year. One thing you must do is allow yourself to be imperfect; stop giving up on things, people, experiences, and dreams just because there is a chance that the outcome of pursuing them may not be “perfect.” Give yourself room to accept things that you say, do, and feel as good enough. Sometimes “good enough” is better than “perfect” because it shows effort, resilience and determination.

Secondly, this year you need to learn to love yourself. Accept your flaws and know that no matter how unlovable you think you are, there are always people out there that are willing to love you just as you are–love yourself unconditionally. You deserve love because that was God’s intention for mankind: for man to be kind to one another.

Thirdly, lose weight. And not just physical weight, but all that yucky mental stuff that keeps you bottled up and isolated from the world. Study the reasons why you choose to hold on to things. Solve the problems and give everything else over to God. Do all you can to become physically and mentally healthy. Exercise frequently, take warm long bathes, fix yourself up and take pride in your appearance, as well as who you are as a person.

Develop friendships, relationships and personal bonds with others. Love others. And don’t be afraid to show affection. Don’t be afraid to get close to people. Trust God that he will shelter you from all who have ill intentions towards you. Relax.

Most of all, live and live life abundantly; to the point that you have joy in living, and it’s so much that that joy overflows into the lives of all those you touch. Eat well. Work well. Think well. Love well. But most of all…live well.

Love,

Self

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The purpose of this blog is to come from a place of love, strength, discovery and vulnerability. Please join me as I share my journey.

 

Time to Stop Running

Fear, Insecurity and inadequacy have not been kind to me, and it’s time that I finally leave them behind.

 

Sitting at my desk—it’s 4:30 am. I’m tired from lack of sleep and anxious, for what I’m about to do has become a terrible habit and I’m fully aware of the mistake I’m about to make. “Dear Fate…,” I begin the tumultuous email, “I am saddened to inform you of my decision to resign from life’s amazing opportunities.”  And moments later, the letter is complete. Now, all I must do is press the send button, and for what seems like the thousandth time in my life, I will successfully quit something that– deep down– I know I am meant to do.

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Quitting is not a decision I ever intend to make when staring a new venture or enlisting in an amazing opportunity. No, usually I’m excited– pumped even, for the new adventure. Almost always, I am approached with chances of a life time that can potentially have great outcomes and extremely positive consequences for me. Yes, I admit it, I’m absolutely blessed; the favor of God is always evident to me. However, the problem has been and continues to be me. 

Fear, insecurity, and the feelings of being inadequate, have all been constant companions on my journey through life. They are horrible passengers, weighing down all thoughts of creativity, accomplishing goals and gaining success. As I attempt to do well, I am often outnumbered by this trio: all persuading me to run. Run far away, as fast as I can, from the possibility of getting hurt, the possibility of looking stupid, and most terrifying, the possibility that I just might achieve success.

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So, still sitting at my desk, it’s now 9:45am. I am hesitant on following through. Frozen with my courser hovering over the send button, I’m realizing that I’m tired. Tired of giving up, tired of running away, and tired of leaping forward only to feel myself sliding right back. This needs to stop. Fear, Insecurity and inadequacy have not been kind to me, and it’s time that I finally leave them behind.

 So, how do I begin to change, I wonder, while staring at the computer screen. And quickly, I press delete. Erasing the unsent email, destroying all my past mistakes and rejecting the cowardly work of the three frenemies, whom I’ve become so accustomed to. With relief and renewed determination flooding through my veins, I think about a better future. A state where I execute my goals, exercise my abilities, and stand in spite of disappointment and success. I can totally do this, because although running away is easy, under those circumstances my potential is never reached. Now is the time to try something different. Optimism, confidence, and faith have been dying to meet me, and I plan to spend as much time as possible with my new set of friends.

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The purpose of this blog is to come from a place of love, strength, discovery and vulnerability. Please join me as I share my journey.

Airing Out the Laundry

Take a good look at this picture. And tell me… what do you see?

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Perhaps, a metaphor of my cluttered brain? Or maybe… a representation of the endless chores a parent has (usually the mom) when there’s children in the home? Nope, none of the above. Just a random load of laundry on the living room floor. That, by the way, up until earlier this morning has been plopped in the same spot for the last couple of days. Am I embarrassed to admit this? Yes, of course I am. But this here pile, is the story of my life.

I am messy. And everything about this assertion has been confirmed by anyone who has stepped foot into my house. If, back in the day, you would have questioned me about my untidiness, I would have refuted it. But now, I humbly admit what my mother, various old roommates, and even secretly my own guilty conscience have been claiming all along; I. Am. Messy.

Why is this important to share with the world? For accountability, of course. And It surely needs to changed. The reason I have been able to cope with my higgledy-piggledy tendencies for so long is because my scattered clothing and empty perfume bottles never affected anyone, except me. So, all was well. Up until today, I could go on in my messy state of blissfulness without a care in the world. Then, this morning, the fairytale ended when I saw this…

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More mangled clothes on the floor, you wonder? No. Not just any ol’ clothes—they’re Terrance’s. Last night when we returned home, my five-year-old casually stripped down to his underwear, leaving his garments sprinkled in a trail leading towards his bedroom. This morning, when I fully noticed them there (and yes, it… took me that long to notice them) my views about the cluttered life slapped me right in the face and reality finally sat in. I am teaching my son to live like a pig.

Visions into my dear son’s future quickly flooded my mind revealing a 20-something year old bum, sitting amidst a hoarded living room; Pizza boxes, Cheetos, and dirty gym socks strewn all around him. All alone he slumps, crying his eyes out; his tired and wearied wife having left him, feed up with his filthy ways. I can’t let this happen, I thought, staring at his muddled little jeans. My baby cannot be someone’s nightmare of a husband, let alone just some mangy bum.dsc00315

 

So here I am, exposing my dirty little secrets in this blog, and promising that I will teach my kid –and myself that being neat is more conducive to a healthy life style.

 

This incident makes me think about how having lived in disorder for so long has really held me back over the years. Its hindered me socially, creatively and emotionally. However, the anticipation of all the more friends I’ll invite over, the space I will have clear to store and write in my journals, and just the overall mental clarity I’ll gain from having a clean space motivates me to stay on top of my house work. So, this morning, I can happily say I cleaned my entire apartment. From top to bottom, in the words of my mother I can definitely say “it’s spic and span.” And I intend to keep it that way.

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The purpose of this blog is to come from a place of love, strength, discovery and vulnerability. Please join me as I share my journey.