Time to Stop Running

Fear, Insecurity and inadequacy have not been kind to me, and it’s time that I finally leave them behind.

 

Sitting at my desk—it’s 4:30 am. I’m tired from lack of sleep and anxious, for what I’m about to do has become a terrible habit and I’m fully aware of the mistake I’m about to make. “Dear Fate…,” I begin the tumultuous email, “I am saddened to inform you of my decision to resign from life’s amazing opportunities.”  And moments later, the letter is complete. Now, all I must do is press the send button, and for what seems like the thousandth time in my life, I will successfully quit something that– deep down– I know I am meant to do.

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Quitting is not a decision I ever intend to make when staring a new venture or enlisting in an amazing opportunity. No, usually I’m excited– pumped even, for the new adventure. Almost always, I am approached with chances of a life time that can potentially have great outcomes and extremely positive consequences for me. Yes, I admit it, I’m absolutely blessed; the favor of God is always evident to me. However, the problem has been and continues to be me. 

Fear, insecurity, and the feelings of being inadequate, have all been constant companions on my journey through life. They are horrible passengers, weighing down all thoughts of creativity, accomplishing goals and gaining success. As I attempt to do well, I am often outnumbered by this trio: all persuading me to run. Run far away, as fast as I can, from the possibility of getting hurt, the possibility of looking stupid, and most terrifying, the possibility that I just might achieve success.

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So, still sitting at my desk, it’s now 9:45am. I am hesitant on following through. Frozen with my courser hovering over the send button, I’m realizing that I’m tired. Tired of giving up, tired of running away, and tired of leaping forward only to feel myself sliding right back. This needs to stop. Fear, Insecurity and inadequacy have not been kind to me, and it’s time that I finally leave them behind.

 So, how do I begin to change, I wonder, while staring at the computer screen. And quickly, I press delete. Erasing the unsent email, destroying all my past mistakes and rejecting the cowardly work of the three frenemies, whom I’ve become so accustomed to. With relief and renewed determination flooding through my veins, I think about a better future. A state where I execute my goals, exercise my abilities, and stand in spite of disappointment and success. I can totally do this, because although running away is easy, under those circumstances my potential is never reached. Now is the time to try something different. Optimism, confidence, and faith have been dying to meet me, and I plan to spend as much time as possible with my new set of friends.

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The purpose of this blog is to come from a place of love, strength, discovery and vulnerability. Please join me as I share my journey.

The Beginning of Something Great

Happy New Year! I’m excited for my small family (Terrance and I), and everyone else who is experiencing the refreshing calm that comes along with the bringing in of the new year. Tingly and ecstatic, this part of the holiday season always gets me going, thinking of all the changes I’m planning to implement, ranging from new living room décor to a new weekly schedule that includes intense workout sessions.

So, why does it feel so official to start fresh on January 1? Well, because… it just does. I strongly believe that something magical happens when the clock strikes 11:59 pm on New Year’s Eve. It’s like life as we know it has been reset, and many of us are refreshed and ready to take on new challenges in a more determined way. So, to all of those who say, “oh, it’s just another day, all you ‘resolutionists’ are crazy,” I say, bah humbug! You know nothing!

As you can tell, I’m freaking excited, because this is going to be the best year ever. This will be the year were this here single mom goes from being the underdog to head honcho. Life will not chew me up and spit me out like it has done over the last few years, I’m sure of it. Why? Because I am determined to make changes. Terrance is growing up, and he needs to see his mom being successful; he needs to see me fly.

“I’m elated for this year, and not just because the year has changed, but because I’m changing and it feels amazing.”     — singlemomflying

So, what are my plans? Since curious minds want to know, allow me to elaborate. My goals for the year consist of three main things: I want to lose weight, I want to write and earn additional income from it, and I would love to improve my financial circumstances.

Since before the beginning of time—well, technically 1988 —I’ve been fat. Why have I been battling the bulge for so long? I’ll leave that discussion for another blog post; just know, that I can stand to lose a few pounds. This year, I have decided, is the perfect time to finally get this weight off.

Secondly, it just so happens that I’m a writer— a damned good writer says my more confident alter ego, Charmaine. But I haven’t written much because the not so confident, Cheryl, believes that I suck at it. However, in 2017, I plan to pick up a pen, put it to paper, and make marvelous things happen. This is the year that I write regardless of how I feel. This is the year that my child will witness his mother bring in cash by using, dare I say, her God-given talent of putting words together to create art.

Lastly, my finances are something I can honestly say that I’m not proud of. In the words of Dave Ramsey, “I have done stupid with a lot of zeros on the end of it.”. Of the three goals, this one is the most important and the most challenging. As I strive to leave a legacy for my little boy, more and more I begin to understand the need to give him a running start in life. Being financially stable is crucial to survival as well as success in this world. And so, I must put on my big girl pants, make a solid budget, and attack this horrible cloud of debt with a vengeance. You’d better watch out Experian, Transunion, and Equifax, because I’m making some major comebacks this year. Debt, you’re goin’ down!

Finally, I’d like to say that everything within me wanted to start this blog— years ago. However, for so long, a small amount of self-doubt would convince me that I shouldn’t try. So, to all the readers who stop by, please understand that posting this is huge for me. This is not just some typical New Year’s resolution mumble-jumbo casually thrown down on paper; on the contrary, it’s an insight into my plans to change my and my son’s life. I’m elated for this year, and not just because the year has changed, but because I’m changing and it feels amazing.

The purpose of this blog is to come from a place of love, strength, discovery and vulnerability. Please join me as I share my journey.